=not doing so well=

I'm not doing so good. I'm not handling the situation with my grandpa all that well. I'm blank, my mind is blank. All I do at work is sit here...unable to answer questions, literally can't answer questions because nothing is going through my mind except my grandpa...and the last few things he said to me before we left. We were talking about how beautiful Hailey was, he made sure he told me a few times evertime we saw him. He then told me that I was in a league all of my own when I was little and even more so now that I'm grown. It makes my heart smile...even thinking about it...and it makes me choke up as well. He always told me to make sure I took care of Hailey and to make sure she never cried. But what is really sticking with me is that he would always apologize...nothing in particular, just apologize. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Is what he would say...like he's letting us down. That....that makes me want to cry. I just can't understand...and it's all I can think about.

I talked to my dad last night, my grandpa isn't doing well. He's slowly, but quickly, deteriorating. He no longer knows who my dads wife is and hasn't gotten out of bed since Monday. They have to force feed him because he won't eat or drink on his own. My dad sounds really worn out. He was taking a walk when I first called. His wife, Crystal, said that he takes at least 4 or 5 walks a day just to be able to unwind and relax. i actually talked to my grandpa on Tuesday night....all he could say was "I love you too" and "take care of the gorgeous girl"....

I haven't really been able to cry either. I've broken down three times. Once the day we left to go see him, the day we got back and then last night. The last two times have been when Michael asks me how I'm doing. I've tried crying on my own....but I can't do it. Last night, I finally broke down again...it felt great, but it sucked.

Why is life so hard at times....

I don't want to be here...at work that is...I can't work anyways...and all I want to do is cry...