Are you there God? It's me, Stephanie....

I’m lost and trying to be found….or I guess, find my way back.

I stopped going to church over a year ago. I didn’t plan on not going. I wanted to go, I needed to go, but I hit a rough patch in life. I became depressed and I secluded myself from most around me. In the past, I clung to God during hard times. He was always my rock in unstable territory. I grew up in the church. I honestly can’t remember a time when I didn’t attend unless I was sick or out of town. I can even attending church at the age of 2…yes, I actually have memories; singing songs, giving pennies for offering and Drew, my Sunday school boyfriend. He was cute.

When we moved from California to Washington, my mom was in search of a church…the very first church we attended, we stayed at. It fit. From there, my mom became involved in many areas. She helped with the food pantry, the Thanksgiving baskets for families who needed them and the church programs, along with many other misc jobs. For a while, she was even helped out with the youth group, when my sister was attended and continued through some of my youth group days. Everything she helped with, I helped with too. I taught me to give back and I soon learned to love the church I was at. I was in youth group skits, church plays, a cell group (youth small group) leader, on the youth board, you name it and I did it. Church was my life and God was my purpose. Like I said before, God was my rock. I believed that no matter what happened, He had His hand in it. My main motto was that everything happens for a reason and God wouldn’t give you anything that you can’t handle. ‘“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”’ –Jeremiah 29:11. I lived by scripture and believed that with God on my side, nothing could get me down. Sure, life had was hard…I went through things at a young age that most have never had to worry about, but I didn’t let that get to me because God would pull me through. I had faith.

So…what changed?

Here I was, new to marriage and mommy-hood. My husband had survived a tour in Iraq and had made it home safely. I had survived a hard labor, a miracle for sure, and had an amazing, beautiful daughter. We were on our own, which we never thought we’d be able to do, and making it. We had a core group at church who we met weekly with. They were a great group. Looking back, I see the positive in my life at that time, but when I was living it…I didn’t. I was post-partum, which lasted long enough for it to be considered depression, and Michael was suffering from PTSD. Behind closed doors, our home was not a happy place. I can tell you that I’m honestly surprised Michael and I are together still, but I’m thankful that we are. With everything going on in life, my attendance to church started to dwindle. It went from every Sunday to some Sundays. From there…it went to once every month or so. From there, I became a seasonal churchgoer. I actually became one of those people who only showed up during the Holidays. I was lost…I was hurt and struggling…and when I needed God the most, I felt that I had lost Him. It all sort of happened without me realizing it. I guess when you start to slip it’s usually a slow process, so gradual that it’s not hard to miss.

As I realized what happened, I started to evaluate the situation. I started to get a skewed view on all of the events. I actually started placing blame…not on myself, but others. I realized that no one reached out. No one noticed the steady decline in attendance….and no one reached out when they noticed the absence. This, of course, made me angry. The church that I had attended for thirteen years had let me slip and wasn’t doing anything to help. All of the friends and mentors I had made had completely dismissed the fact that I was in trouble. I dwelled on this for a long time…a few years actually. Dwelling on this, also made me angry at God. How come He didn’t “put my name on someone’s heart” (something I had heard so many times growing up)? How come He let my struggles go unnoticed? That…that is when I put up my wall. My heart hardened and I started doubting everything I had learned in my life…everything that I believed to be so true. I started doubting if God even existed. If He did, where was He? I’ve never doubted my faith…ever. I’ve never doubted if God existed, or if the stories I heard growing up were true.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I realized that something was missing in my life. I’ve been debating for a long time to start going to church again. It has been a really tough decision. One of the girls I coach on cheer, Kristina, is actually the reason I wanted to go back. She reminded me of how I was in high school. She’d rather be at church in the fellowship of others. She’s involved and excited about God. I longed for that excitement again. I knew I wanted to go back, but I still struggled for a few months. I’ve been lost for so long that I feel like I won’t be able to go back…to be accepted again. Not by the people of the church, but from God. I’ve been doubtful and honestly, I still doubt a little. I have been hurt and have been feeling extremely let down.

So, I’m back…and I hope I can figure some things out. I hate where I am, and how I am feeling. I want to be that example for those around me and especially for my daughter. I want people to look at me again, like I did Kristina, and wonder what makes me the way I am. So…are you there God? It’s me…Stephanie…I'm ready to come home...

I Still Believe - Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near